After the Amber Guyger Trial

Footage of Botham Jean’s younger brother, Brandt, forgiving Botham’s killer, Amber Guyger, in the sentencing phase of her trial has already been shared innumerous times; and the symbol of the two embracing in the center of the courtroom is powerful and moving for many us. It is a symbol of hope and healing. 

Yet at the same time, I know there are many who struggle to see this video shared so many times and with such ease. The simple sharing of the video thrusts many to a place of forgiveness, for which they are not ready. The journey of forgiveness is long and difficult. I am sure it is a journey Brandt Jean had to take and will continue to have to take for many years to come. The simple sharing of a video or telling of an anecdote in a sermon does not and cannot tell all the deeply complicated feelings forgiveness entails. This is why a woman whom I once pastored told me she had to forgive her childhood abuser 77 times 7 — 7 times a day for all her expected 77 years of life. Forgiveness is a long road, and truly lifetime work. 

Additionally, we have to think how in the sharing of this video we come to a point of resolution so quickly and then move on. It can be as if we then expect the whole world’s problems to be resolved in this one profound gesture of forgiveness. But not all is resolved. There is still profound pain in communities of color.  This pain comes from long centuries of violence and oppression. And there is still racism both consciously and unconsciously motivating and distorting the reason of so many white people — police included, me included.

These things do not change in one single act of forgiveness, however beautiful and loving. What we saw in Brandt Jean was a profound act of Christian mercy. But one singular trial and act of forgiveness cannot bring about reconciliation by itself. The Amber Guyger case breaks the dam of injustice and enmity. But the country will only change on whole when the whole justice system rolls down like water and righteousness like a mighty stream. That is a day we must keep working towards. 

White friends, rather than sharing the courtroom footage might I commend to you instead a poem written by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu, which I think captures well the struggle so many people of color are living with today in wanting to forgive, but also wanting to no more be vulnerable or afraid.  It is titled “Prayer Before the Prayer”:

“I want to be willing to forgive.

But I dare not ask for the will to forgive,

In case you give it to me and I am not yet ready.

I am not yet ready for my heart to soften.

I am not yet ready to be vulnerable again.

Not yet ready to see that there is humanity in my tormentor’s eyes.

Or that the one who hurt me may also have cried.

I am not yet ready for the journey.

I am not yet interested in the path.

I am at the prayer before the prayer of forgiveness.

Grant me the will to”